DECONSTRUCTION

Or in my case, lack thereof, is something that pisses me the fuck off. Some people either have too much, or some people have none. 

I get it, and got it the first time, I’m NOT SKINNY. Believe me, I own a mirror or two in my own home. I don’t need to be told how to live my life because you heard something from someone. Years after years, people “hint” to me that I’m, well, fat. 

Being busy isn’t a real excuse. However, I am. I don’t have a social life because I gave it up for a job and school. I go to the gym at the most random times because I don’t have the fucking time. Half of the time I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing.

Most people don’t really “study” or view males as one who lacks self confidence. Wake up and smell the fucking lard, they do. Everyone does, and some people think that they live such a damn perfect life that they can just tell anyone and everyone how to “lead there life in a better way” because they’re just so damn perfect. THEY’RE NOT. No one is.

Somedays I’m comfortable in my own skin. Somedays I just wanna starve myself and run mile after mile because I feel ugly. But what it all comes down to is myself blocking what other people think or say about me. Because in the end, the only thing that matters is if you’re comfortable with yourself. Which EVERYONE SHOULD BE. They shouldn’t be comfortable in someone else to make them-self feel better. 

Damnit.

There’s always that one person in your life that you’ll compare to everyone else. As if that person were a gift from God, or if that person was the greatest thing to exist on this earth. I happened to meet my person in the most random place, at the most random time. It was never expected, and I didn’t think my feelings for this person would get like this. 

I like to think that I’m really good at “hiding” my feelings and I’m a damn good secret keeper. There’s something about feelings, to me, that make them so sacred and personal that the public or outside (of your brain) shouldn’t know. For the past few years, I’ve been a wreck and horrible at “expressing my feelings.” I guess you could say that rejection is a huge fear of mine. And I’m not going to lie, I’ve been rejected many times. 

However, where it all started was the first time I ever told a girl that I liked her. I have never done this, it just seemed to happened (in the past); though it was very minimal. 

I told her.

She said nothing.

Next, I was like a fuckin’ turtle. I stuck my head back into my shell and just stayed there. Eyes closed, noise blocked, just the feeling of wind passing by. The only thing I felt. 

My choices are either I continue as if nothing happened, or pretend my life is one of those movies - where I’d sweep this girl off of her feet and we would live happily ever fucking after. 

The truth is that shit never happens. You can’t make someone like or love you. You can’t make someone change the way THEY feel. The way they feel is, again, their feelings, something so personal and sacred that the outside world shouldn’t be the ones to change it or affect it. 

Stuck in a shitty situation, we’ve all got to realize that emotions are an affective state of consciousness and feelings are an emotional state. Period. I think that you have to orally express feelings and emotions are just a “look.” 

For the past 3 years, I’ve held these emotions and feelings in because I was scared of what the world would think of me. Or in this case, a small blog that only gets a few fucking hits a month. 

When you like someone, and have feelings for that person, tell them. Because one thing that I’ve learned from these movies, that happened to actually be true, is that sometimes you can be too late. In my case, rejection, you can at least move on to the next one. Realistically, you don’t want someone to change for you - they should already be for you.

Trial and error.

Nylon Young Hollywood Party. #NylonMag #YoungHollywood #Roosevelt #iLoveMyJob (Taken with Instagram at Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel)

Wish my Vegas friends were here with me to celebrate. But overall, an AMAZING birthday. Thank you to everyone for the txts/posts/etc. They’re greatly appreciated. :) #20 #HappyBirthdayToMe #Thankful #Fortunate #AlmostLegal (Taken with instagram)

I love the feeling after cleaning the damn house… #clean #slavework #home (Taken with instagram)

#TBT #whatwerewethinking @jennyjessica @ayeallay @adamperea (Taken with instagram)

i iZ T3WH FANCii SUMTiiM3Z. L0LZ. (Taken with instagram)

Nothin better than a Saturday afternoon hitting some balls… #goodweather (Taken with instagram)

“Miss Mao Trying to Poise Herself at the Top of Lenin’s Head.” #Art #Controversial #LA #LaBrea (Taken with instagram)

#TBT @triciabesohood @jimicto @stormymoniz (Taken with instagram)

Google weather is a little off today… #AtWork (Taken with instagram)

One of my favorite shows… #ModernFamily #TV (Taken with instagram)

Another day at the office. Happy Monday! #PR #FashionPR #Work #Monday (Taken with instagram)

I want this tattoo… #ThePerksOfBeingAWallflower #infinite (Taken with instagram)

The grass is always greener on the other side. #Hiking #EarthDay #LosAngelesCounty #iLoveLA (Taken with instagram)